james' blog...

james' blog...
misc ramblings n' thoughts...

Friday, August 08, 2003

Flush...

After you've passed gas, the sweet aroma begins to become noticed by others around you, and you're faced with a crucial decision: deny or admit defeat. You can either deny and lie profusely, pointing to those next to you, accusing the acusee, claim you can't smell anything, or recite childish rhymes ("whoever smelt it dealt it!!") or anything else you can muster out to make people believe you didn't do it. The other option is to humbly admit defeat and to face the wrath associated with the embarassing feat.

So I was in the washroom at work this morning when I did something pretty stupid. I cleaned the seat with a bounty paper towel and chucked it into the toilet, before proceeding to number 2. So I do my business, clean and wipe, and flush the toilet, as I've done thousands of time throughout my 21 year existance. (Actually, scrap that, I was diapered for the first few years of my life.) Anyways, what happened was that "the quicker picker-upper" decided to absorb a lot of water and become a thick sheet of paper that formed a sort of parachute around the feces (thus bunching it into a big ball) and clog the drain.

So here I was stuck in the classic aformentioned predicament: lie profusely and play stupid when some unsuspecting fool discovered that the toilet was clogged, or humbly find the janitor and let him know about my little problem. I decided I didn't want to be further humiliated and was going to go with option one when my ingenius mind came up with another idea: why not try to unclog it myself?!

I needed a tool as I definitely did not want to get my hands dirty at work. I first found a finished toilet roll and attempted to jab at it and maybe push it through, but the soggy cardboard was soon rendered useless. I was getting desperate looking around the washroom (at work we have private washrooms, not the shared ones) when I spotted an old comb that had been left. Thinking I didn't have much to lose, I decided to use the comb to try to push it through or at least rip "the package" apart so that it could sewage properly.

I soon managed to successfully rip a small hole so that it the outer layers of the Bounty was soon gone. Smiling galantly, I flushed the toilet. That smile was soon wiped away when I realized that it was still too big, and not only had it not flushed, the water level had now doubled and was about half tank full. So again, I tactfully used the comb to rip off another layer of the protruding bundle.

Again I flushed, and again, no success. I was starting to get desperate. The water level was now dangerously close to the top. I estimated I would only have about two flushes before it would definitely overflow. I decided to give it one more rip and flush before admitting defeat and turning myself in.

So harder I tried to rip away, and by now, the early shreds paper towel from outer layers were floating around, obscuring my sight of my goal. Determined, I ripped a huge chunk off, and crossing my fingers in one hand, dirty wet dripping comb in the other, I flushed the toilet.

And down it went. All of it. I breathed a big sigh of relief, cleaned the comb neatly(and silently prayed that no one would ever use it) washed and sanitized my hands multiple times (even though I never touched the water or anything remotely close) and went outside to face the world, head held up high.

My lesson of the story? Bounty really is the quicker picker-upper. Don't mess.

posted by jamescl | 4:58 PM

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